#18 - There's nothing left for me to do...but dance?

In the past few months I've been to see Chas 'n' Dave and Status Quo; I've been laughed at as I try to use chopsticks; I've nearly drowned countless times and I was there to see Wolves get relegated to League One. But last night I endured perhaps one indignity too far...I tried to learn to dance.

Yes - that's right - coming in at number 18 on my list of things to do before I'm 30, take a dance class. And yes, it was as excruciating as it sounds.

You see, rhythm and co-ordination isn't something I've been naturally blessed with - I think I've finally come to terms with that.

Yep - that's me. Must have been 'Summer of 69'. 

It's been an evolutionary process. As a young teen I have fond memories of standing against the back wall for hours at a time at Springdale Church discos. As the girls rocked out the latest dance craze (The Macarena and Tragedy by Steps was the in-thing back in my day) the lads would sullenly stand at the back, bottle of cola-flavoured Panda pop in hand, counting down to the final ten minutes of the night when 'PJ the DJ' would put on a few slow dances (the erection section if you will). That was when we'd all make our moves and hope R Kelly's 'I Believe I Can Fly' would last forever.

But it was quite clear, even back then, that dancing was quite clearly never my thing. As I've got older the 'stand at the back' theme has continued - I've taken on what I call 'the Alton Towers role' - looking after everyone else's personal belongings whilst they go and have fun. And although the Panda pop has evolved into a bottle of Beck's, in my head, being able to sing the lyrics to Summer of '69 and Dire Straits' Walk of Life compensates for the fact that I've developed 'dad dancing' without ever actually having conceived.

Here's an artist impression of how you'd
think a salsa class would be...it really wasn't

Well, last night was my chance to put that right. Here's one tip for you though - don't go to a city centre bar when the local football team are playing at home...you feel a bit of burk when you push through a group of tanked up Wolves fans at the bar and ask 'is this where they hold the salsa class?'

Ok - I want you to think about salsa dancing...keep thinking...ok. It was nothing like any of those things. If you're like me you're thinking words like heat, elegance, rhythm, exotic. It was neither of these things. In fairness it was the Cuban Exchange bar in Wolverhampton - I'm not sure what I was expecting. The ratios weren't quite what I expected either. Me, one couple, and two other guys. Those numbers make it a tad tricky to decide who should lead for starters.

Anyway - we were put through our 'mambo paces'. 1,2,3 - 5,6,7 (I have no idea why they've left out 4?). This went on...and on...and on. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to count and move your feet at the same time. Well, I found it difficult and now have a new found respect for Bez.

 

There was indeed a murder on the dancefloor last night. My dignity and self esteem were pronounced dead on arrival. If last night was an episode of Stars in Their Eyes I would have been saying; "Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be...extremely uncomfortable, uncoordinated and counting down the seconds until this hellish experience ends". If only there'd been the sliding doors and smoke machine - I could have run away. 

The annoying thing is - if by some miracle I actually became good at dancing, it would be quite cool. The only problem is, I'm not sure I can put myself through the indignity of 1,2,3 - 5,6,7 'turn the ladies' (when of course there weren't any) again.

But whether I go again or not - I've done it. I've stepped outside my comfort zone and done something I'd normally run a mile to avoid. You can't say I'm not trying new things.

There were so many dance-related songs I could choose as an outro - Murder on the Dancefloor, Dancing Queen, Save the Last Dance For Me etc but in the end I opted for this lesser known 1974 UK number 4 hit from Leo Sayer - for no other reason than he looks really weird in this video...