Michael Ball, Sonia and an update on #22 on the list

So, in the midst of a crumbling European economy and the alarming rise of UKIP on the British political scene, tonight, all that is good and bad about Europe will be showcased for the entire continent (and Israel apparently?) to see - Eurovision.



'My Lovely Horse'
Father Ted and Dougal's 'Song for Europe'


Eurovision is, quite frankly, dreadful. But it's the tacky, camp extravaganza which makes it compulsive viewing. Well, I say compulsive viewing, I've never been bothered with the music - I just love watching the voting - it must be the politico in me.

Of course we Brits don't take it seriously. Terry Wogan's fittingly sarcastic commentary was often the highlight of what would normally be a dull, drawn-out affair with 20+ European languages saying "Ello Shtockholm from (insert random European city name) great show zish evening". Unfortunately the lag delay on the satellite system means it's normally lost in translation anyway.

But I have a soft spot for Eurovision. My earliest - and quite frankly, my fondest memory of Eurovision was staying at my nan and grandad's bungalow in Coven. It was 1992. I remember it was 1992 because of the wonders of Google and YouTube. It was the year I first heard Michael Ball. 'One Step Out of Time' was the UK's entry - and we stayed up all night (ok, until 10pm but I was 7 years old so it seemed really late). We watched the voting - I think we came second. It was my second experience of our cultural ability to embrace an heroic defeat - I was still recovering from the emotional trauma of Italia '90 and watching England lose on penalties to the Germans. But this time it was the Irish who pipped us to the post (and which inspired a very funny episode of Father Ted).

I then vaguely remember Sonia. She was 1993 - catchy song but of course it wasn't until Katrina & The Waves romped home to victory in 1997 that I saw UK glory in Europe. I'm still waiting for us to recapture those glorious heights.

Screeching 80's Welsh rocker Bonnie Tyler is the UK's entry this year. The song's not too bad - but we won't remember it in a few months. Inevitably we'll have the discussions tomorrow - as we do every year:

• "It's a fix"
• "the Eastern Europeans and Scandinavians always vote for each other"
• "We always get points off Malta" 

My personal favourite - "We didn't want to win anyway - it would cost too much to host next year".

There's an element of truth in all of these statements but the truth is the UK has produced a lot of dross since 1997. Jessica Garlick, Scooch, Engelbert Humperdink - and my personal favourite, because it's so bad - Daz Sampson.

For once, just for once, I'd really like us to have a decent song. Bring back Michael Ball, Sonia and Cheryl Baker - that's what I say. They couldn't do any worse...could they?

In any case, I shalln't be in Stockholm this evening so I can't class it as one of my 10 music/comedy gigs that I need to go to before I'm 30. But I am making progress on #22 on my list.

Since February I've seen The Darkness, Status Quo and Chas 'N' Dave. It's only when I write this down do I appreciate how bad that sounds. But hey - I enjoyed them, don't judge me. Blondie at Cannock Chase is next - I'm still on the look out for Akon to tour.

Good luck tonight Bonnie - we're all behind you - and if you lose, it's not your fault; it's all political and we don't want to win anyway, it'll cost too much to host it next year...

Let me leave with you this - take it away Daz...