#28 - Pies, Pints and Play-Offs

What a difference a year makes. Twelve months ago I'd visited what was to be the first of nine new football grounds. A trip to Brighton & Hove Albion's Amex Stadium saw my beloved Wolves relegated to the third tier of English football for the first time in my living memory.

The Molineux memories of beating Man City, Liverpool and Man Utd seemed like a distant memory as we braced ourselves for away days to Carlisle, Stevenage and Crawley. What's more, Yeovil Town were now higher in the football pyramid than Wolves. It was a dark day.

#1 - Brighton

But with Wolves' relegation came new opportunities. Opportunities to visit new grounds and watch new teams which I'd never seen before. 

And within twelve months I've seen promotions, relegations, been the half time entertainment and eaten my share of balti pies.

So my challenge to visit ten new football grounds began.

Here's my story of pies, pints and play-offs.

Brighton & Hove Albion vs Wolves - Amex Stadium

A lovely ground, friendly fans and a decent pie. 8/10.

Next up was Stafford Rangers

Stafford Rangers vs FC United of Manchester - Marston Road

My brothers and I made the short trip up the M6 to Marston Road, the home of Stafford Rangers. Wolves legend Andy Mutch became the latest in a long line of ex-Wolves players, including Mutch's strike partner and all-time Wolves top goalscorer Steve Bull, to take the managerial reigns at Stafford. It was Mutch's first game as caretaker boss. Without a win all season, Stafford entertained the highly publicised FC United of Manchester; the breakaway club from Manchester United who were flying high in the league. A last minute winner for Rangers topped off a great afternoon. For a non-league side, the pies were good. 7/10.

Chilly nights in Carlisle

Carlisle United vs Wolves - Brunton Park

My rite of passage as a football fan. A 400-mile round trip on a cold Tuesday night in November to one of England's furthest footballing outposts. A 2-2 draw and a rather long journey home in the early hours. Still, a nice pint of beer, a traditional ground and I managed to get a photo with the aforementioned Steve Bull, fulfilling a childhood dream. 8/10

Boxing Day in Burton

Burton Albion vs Northampton Town - Pirelli Stadium

A freezing cold Boxing Day afternoon in Burton. Full of stale turkey-induced farts and a cricked neck after watching the ball booted from one end of the pitch to the other for 90 very cold minutes. A nice little ground and a nice little club - but wouldn't come top of the list for things to do at Christmas next year. Although was the scene of my favourite footballing insult: "I've seen milk turn quicker than you". 6/10

#5 was middle class football at Fulham

Fulham vs Sunderland - Craven Cottage

A left-field choice of grounds to visit. I was in London for a friend's birthday and found myself at a loose end. It was a choice of sitting in the bookies then on to a stale beer-smelling Weatherspoons for the afternoon or take myself off for a lovely wander by the Thames to visit Engalnd's most middle class football club. Craven Cottage is a wonderful old ground. But, if I'm being picky, I want to have a dirty burger when I go to the football; one in a stale bun, with watered down vinegary-ketchup and where you can't be certain exactly what meat it is. Somehow the ostrich and buffallo burgers at Craven Cottage didn't quite seem right. That said, great game and a ground definitely worth visiting. 8/10.

A wee bit nippy north of the border

Arbroath vs East Fife - Gayfield Park

Having never been to Scotland, it seemed only right to take in a match at the seaside fortress which is Gayfield Park. Scrapping at the foot of Scottish League One, Arbroath's claim to footballing fame is that they hold the world record for the biggest ever win: a 36-0 hammering of Aberdeen Bon Accord in a cup tie in 1885. Their only other fact of note is that its ground is the closest to the sea in Britain and, according to Wikipedia, is "a traditional style ground exposed to the elements". They're not kidding. A woefully poor standard of football where the wind was more talented than most of the players on the pitch. Still, a 2-1 win to lift Arbroath off the foot of the table and probably the best pie of my travels. 8/10.

MK Dons vs Wolves - stadium:mk

The Moo Camp in Milton Keynes

A social media campaign to take 10K-2-MK saw Wolves take a huge following to one of the country's newest football clubs. With a very impressive new stadium which is barely a quarter full most week, Wolves fans descended upon the town of Milton Keynes in their thousands. Unable to get tickets with the Wolves fans, my friend Bordy and I hatched a plan to sit with the MK Dons fans courtesy of an MK-based friend of mine. To protect his anonymity, let's call him Ryan Donnell (they'll never crack that Rian). So, dressed in our most least threatening clothes or 'uncle attire' we made our way to the home end of stadium:mk. Despite media warnings, no one was asked to provide ID to get in to the ground and in we went. Three days earlier I'd watched Wolves play Colchester on a freezing cold mid-week evening game. So I went prepared in thermals and several layers to Milton Keynes on what turned out to be a uncharacteristically sunny and warm spring day. As I sweated my way through the first 45 minutes, Bordy asked me why I was wearing so many layers. I said that it might drop cold later on. A second half substitution saw Wolves striker Leon Clarke take to the field in a pair of gloves. "Why is he wearing gloves in this weather, idiot" I exclaimed. "He thought it might drop cold later on" Bordy smuggly retorted. Touché.

Decent pie and a stadium with the best nickname - 'The Moo Camp' in homage to the town's bizarre fascination with concrete cows. Worth a visit - but don't expect an atmosphere from the home crowd. 8/10.

Home United FC vs Tanjong Pagar - Bishan Stadium

Singapore has some wonderful places to visit. I dare say the Bishan Stadium, home of the unimaginatively named Home United, isn't one of them.

It's fair to say our host in Singapore, Garv, was taken aback by my suggestion that the Singapore S-League fixture could be a place to visit; "why do you want to go and watch a s**t pub team play?" It turned out to be a great night. Just £2.50 a ticket and they gave you 3 tubes of Mr Potato Head crisps each just to go in.

The visitors were the struggling Tanjong Pagar United.

Leading at the break by 3 goals to nil, Home United were cruising. At half time, the stadium announcer made a call out for volunteers from the crowd to take part in a half-time challenge. Up I jumped as a willing volunteer. I was picked from the crowd and joined 6 or 7 others on the pitch to take part in a goalscoring challenge. This was my moment. Or was it. There was no goalkeeper, you just had to score from distance. Firstly from the edge of the penalty area, secondly from about 20 yards out. I struck my first attempt with aplomb, safely making it's way high into the roof of the bulging net. I should explain at this point that the pitch was very bobbly and I was wearing inappropriate footwear for striking, what was a very heavy, ball. The children before me all scored, as did the guy who looked confused as to whether he should kick it with his right foot of left foot. Then up I stepped. Needless to say I became the but of endless jokes for the rest of the holiday as I hooked my shot wide of the near post. Still I was sure my friends would be there to support me in my moment of embarrassment; "You're s**t and you know you are!"

Of all the grounds I've been to - this was the only one where we failed to finish the game. In the 69th minute the game was abandoned after the lightning warning system kicked in. But I'd got what I'd come for. My 8th ground, a souvenir football and no doubt Youtube footage somewhere of my lowest footballing moment. Well, I say that, Dad, if you're reading this, bringing me on as a sub then hawling me off again was actually my lowest footballing moment. Just thought I'd mention that. 9/10.

#9 - highs and lows at Shrewsbury Town

Shrewsbury Town vs Peterborough United - Greenhous Meadow

Play-off celebrations with Peterborough's Peter Burrow

The final day of the footballing calendar saw me and my mate Mark Rogers make the short train trip to Shropshire's only football league club, Shrewsbury Town. With their relegation to League 2 all but sealed, Town needed to beat play-off chasing Peterborough and hope other results went their way. I wanted to sit with the Shrewsbury fans and be there to see the underdogs overcome adversity. Something Wolves had failed to do exactly twelve months earlier. But that plan was scuppered by Rogers whose only job that day was to queue up and get the tickets. Somehow he managed to get tickets with the away fans so we were forced to endure 90 minutes of mockney Posh fans jumping around and generally being irritating. It turned out to be a 6 goal thriller with Peterborough emerging 4-2 winners to condemn the Shrews to relegation and secure Posh a place in the League One play-offs. The joy and pain of football played out in one stadium. It's a nice ground albeit a new-build with a slightly soul-less feel. 7/10.

So, in twelve months I've visited nine new grounds, travelled to Carlisle and Singapore, froze my nuts off at Burton and Arbroath and sweated them off at MK Dons. I've seen champions made, play-offs reached, two relegations and a match abandoned in a tropical thunderstorm. It's been eventful - and lots of fun!

As for number 10, well, all being well, this will be it...

A forgotten World Cup classic

#21 - Mr Roy and Singapore Slings at Raffles

The white tiger is an incredible animal

If you ever spend time in Singapore there are two things you need to do. Firstly, go to the zoo and secondly, got to the Long Bar at the Raffles Hotel; the home of the Singapore Sling.

The day after Dav's birthday, or 'Dav's Boxing Day' as he referred to it, we made our way to Singapore's zoo. As a general rule of thumb, caged animals and funny smells aren't normally my thing so I wasn't overly fussed about this excursion. I'd also been to that part of the island earlier in the week to see the Night Safari. That was the night I was one bite away from what I expect would have been bowel-exploding salmonella poisoning as I cut through a raw piece of chicken tikka. If you listened carefully I swear you could still hear the chicken clucking it was that raw.

One baboon...

Still, we arrived at the zoo and it turned out to be the best tourist attraction so far. Far from caged and smelly, it transpired to be a fascinating, cageless and odourless experience. There were lions, white tigers, elephants, giraffes, meerkats, ostriches - you name it - they had it. But for me it was the baboons which were the most fascinating. Granted, they have that weird bum thing going on which looks like they've got atomic hemorrhoids but their human-like features and mannerisms are intriguing. Another tick in the box for Darwinism without a doubt.

Me, Dav and Garv

We spent most of the day there before heading back for our final evening. This taxi driver was the friendliest driver we'd met so far; unlike the driver who'd taken us to the zoo. He had two speeds - 100mph or stop. One particular cutting-up manoeuvre left me desperately pushing on the imaginary passenger brakes in the footwell of the car. But on the way back we had Mr Roy. He was a chatty chap who told us about an English family whose children he used to drive to school every morning. They moved back to the UK but had kept in touch. Apparently the little girl had even named her cat after him. I loved the idea of a little girl in London calling out for 'Mr Roy' to come in for his din-dins every evening.

The world-famous Raffles Hotel

That evening we made our way to the world famous Raffles Hotel to do what I expect every tourist does; visits the Long Bar for a Singapore Sling. Invented in that hotel sometime around 1915, the Singapore Sling is one of the world's most iconic cocktails. This classy long drink has stood the test of time and of course, unlike many cocktails of today you don't feel like a lecherous predator when you order it. Not a 'Slippery Nipple' or 'Screaming Orgasm' in sight here.

The sling is a classic - and that's reflected in the price. For six cocktails we barely had change from £100.  Still - as we sat in the bar, listened to the live music, took in the history of this famous hotel and reflected on our break, the price become an irrelevance. We knew that the chances are we'd never get the opportunity to be here ever again.

So that was it; number 21 on my list is complete. The definition of a lads' holiday may have changed but given the choice of a week of hangovers in 'Shag-aluf' or the views overlooking Singapore from the Marina Bay Sands; I know which one I'd prefer.

Give me this over a Screaming Orgasm any day

All that was left was for the long journey home; which itself wasn't without its drama. Dav and Hannah at one stage weren't even booked on the flight and I had to endure a man with halitosis sleeping next to me with his mouth wide-open for three hours. As I gagged into my pillow, I finally snapped and went for an elbow jab into his ribs to wake him up. Aggressive yes, but it seemed to do the trick.

Still, we made it back in one piece, with a whole host of new new memories to cherish. And what did I learn? Well, Singaporean taxi drivers are bonkers, westerners sweat in places you didn't think could sweat, for a bloke from the arse-end of Basildon; Garv's done pretty well for himself and to get a hangover in Singapore you need to be earning a six-figure salary.

In homage to the Singapore Sling, I've taken this track from the 80s film Cocktail...fairly sensible advice too in fairness...